Wide open, Wide awake – Deconstructing Yourself
Streamed live on Sep 21, 2023
Nondual Meditation
Let’s begin, as usual, by just settling in and asking yourself the question, what’s it like to be me right now? And then looking. Checking in with yourself, What is it like to be me right now? Basically, just take your own weather report, how are your thoughts, how are your emotions, how’s your body feel, how’s stuff going, and then the most important part here, besides just checking, is to completely accept however it feels to be you right now. Whatever’s going on, whether it’s positive or negative, or some jumbled chaos in between those two things, or really fun, or really not fun, or super confusing, or maybe someone’s having a cut diamond clarity moment, who knows. Whatever it’s like in there, just let it be that way, and renounce, for now at least, at least for the time of this meditation, just renounce the kind of fundamental self-aggression that you must change it. Instead, let’s take the opposite stance: self-compassion. However it is, it is exactly fine, exactly perfect, for now. Okay so, let’s just sit with that for a few minutes.
Very good. Now, just access whatever already existing openness you can find. We might call it openness of the sky, but a sense of spaciousness, clarity, freedom, openness. Just whatever is already there, you don’t have to make openness happen, just whatever feels open, just come from that place. Come from the place of openness. Really tune into that, and from the very beginning, let’s just drop into whatever openness we can be with.
From there, let’s do some mild pranayama. We’ll do some alternate nostril breathing. If you know how to do that, just begin. if you don’t know how to do it, then I’ll show you. You’re going to begin by closing your right nostril with your right thumb, breathe in through your left nostril, and breathe out through the right nostril while closing the left. Then, breathe in through that right nostril, close it off, breathe out through the left. So you’re just switching sides–breathe in one, side breathe out the other. Shouldn’t be that audible. We’re not trying to breathe hard, we’re just breathing normally, but switching sides each time.
If you want to, you can do a mantra with this: On the in-breath you would say “soham.”
You can repeat it, soham, soham, soham , or just soham, and then on the out-breath, hansa. So just to make it clear, soham, there’s no third person definition in Sanskrit, so that could be: I am she, I am he, or I am it, meaning in this case meaning the ultimate awareness. Then hansa is the reverse: he, she, it, is me. So we’re just identifying with the ultimate awareness principle, with this mantra, a very very ancient mantra. So on the in-breath soham soham, silently, of course.
Let’s just meditate on that for like five minutes, doing the alternate nostril breathing, just if it’s okay. Your arm might get tired. We’re not going to do it forever, so just keep going and notice how the alternate nostril breathing, because it’s bilateral by hemispheric stimulation, it really starts to regulate the system. This is really, really good, supposedly anyway, for vagus nerve stuff. It’s a vagal regulator, and will also start to help you to relax much more deeply, while at the same time remaining quite alert.
We always want to mix our relaxation with alertness. Most of the time people either get too alert, and then–there’s no such thing as too alert–but they get alert through tension, so they’re alert but really anxious. Or you get so relaxed that you kind of start falling asleep, you lose all the alertness. So, what we want, is this tricky mixture of really, really deeply relaxed, while at the same time, quite alert, quite awake, and so this alternate nostril breathing is designed to help you get into that place, and doing it with the mantra makes it even stronger.
If you’re used to some of the more advanced yogic bells and whistles that can go with this, and you feel like doing those fine. Classically, the way I was trained, you closed the right nostril with your right thumb and the left nostril with the two middle fingers. Other traditions do it in different ways, but that’s how I learned it. Try to sit up quite straight while you do this. It’s very important for the breathing that you’re not slumped over, thank you.
Good. So, end on a left nostril exhale, since we began on the left nostril inhale, and then simply tune in again to how that feels. Tune into that sense of grounding stabilization, but also, the brightness, how the mind gets quite a bit brighter when we do that. Furthermore, there’s often a sense of real pleasantness in the body, or at least the scale has moved, the balances have tipped, more in favor of pleasantness.
So now, from the place of being this wide open sky of awareness, this sense of real openness that we’ve now kind of enlivened with our pranayama, just sit, and allow the wave of the breath to rise and fall. The wind of the breath, to rise and fall in the sky, the wide open sky of the minds. This is very, very, relaxed, very open, very gentle. Not drilling down with our concentration, and we’re not trying to hammer our attention onto a point, we’re just staying wide open, really relaxed, really at ease, feeling that regulated, relaxed alertness. Simply aware of the breath wave rising and falling, rising and falling in the sky of the mind.
Let’s do that together now, and if you want to work with it a little bit more on the in-breath you can notice awareness just getting clearer and brighter, and on the out-breath, really letting go of tension, letting go of tightness. Coming into more openness on the in-breath, brightening, clarifying; on the out-breath, openness and relaxation. So again we’re kind of balancing, we’re finding the Goldilocks zone, we’re threading the needle between deep relaxation and bright clear wide awakeness. Simply sitting with wide awakeness, we’re not getting sleepy, we’re not getting drowsy. If you are, make sure you sit up straight, open your eyes, come back to awakeness, it’s important not to drift off into dullness. Sitting with this wide awake, wide openness, just staying with awareness of the breath rising and falling, without particularly concentrating on it, but just awareness of it. Allowing that in-breath to brighten the sense of clarity and wakefulness, and the out-breath to allow you to let go even more, drop even more weight, even more armoring, even more tightness, and find pleasantness, openness, release.
You could now feel into that breath more with a lot more subtlety and sensitivity. Feel, what we might call, inside the breath, deep within the breath, and notice that the breath is powered by a kind of wave of energy. Rather than the breath itself, see if you can feel, and you might not be able to, but see if you can begin to notice the energy behind the breath. It’s very subtle, but very powerful, smooth, wave of energy that rises up and down in the body and causes the lungs and muscles and rib cage and blood vessels and so on to move with the in- and out- breath.
See if you can find that subtle energy behind the breathing, that subtle energy behind the breathing will be moving up and down in the core of the body, but you may find you feel it also in the extremities, or on the skin, or whatever, but kind of the core of it is in the core. It’s right in the center moving up and down the central channel. As you feel that subtle energy moving the breath, notice you might start feeling it and you might start feeling kind of emanations from that energy, feeling your extremities lighting up with some tingling, some energy. Your hands and feet lighting up, maybe even your forearms and often also lips and face. It’s no big deal, just feel all that energy in the body and notice that it is very pleasant, very very, perhaps subtle, and often quite pleasant energy sensation. As we continue to just allow the breath to rise and fall in the sky of awareness, the wide open, easy, relaxed, effortless sky of clear wakefulness that is always present, that has always been present.
If you’re fairly sensitive, you may feel energy sensations all throughout the body as the breath rises and falls, very pleasant buzzy tingliness all throughout the entire body. Ride those waves, just let the awareness ride on those waves. It feels good, it’s very relaxed, you’re not doing anything. It’s doing itself, but you can begin to really tune into a sense, a much deeper sense, a bone-deep sense of ease starting to come into the body. A bone-deep sense of real openness, real letting go, feeling free, and at the same time, no muddiness, no slipping away into unconsciousness. This is bright, this is clear, this is pleasant, pleasantly awake, wide awake.
Now, notice as you feel the body like this, the body is not a static object. It’s not a pile of bones and meat and blood that’s just sitting there. Every part of it is vibrating, every part of it is wave-like, every part of it is energetic. Every part of it is moving and changing, every cubic millimeter of the body is liquid, is alive, is wide awake, and is supple with energy. It’s alive.
If you’re feeling drowsy, sit up straight, sit up straight, with the top of your head going towards the ceiling, maybe eyes wide open, get some energy back into the system so you’re not just spilling over the edge into darkness. Over and over, staying wide awake, in the bright clear sunshine.
Good, now, just as we were allowing the sky-like mind of awareness to simply be aware of the rising and falling of the breath wave, now let this wide awake openness be aware of the heart. You might, if you’re good at mindfulness, you might feel it ping but you might not just be aware of your heart area. Notice, does it feel tight and constricted and sad, or wide open and joyous and light, or fearful or angry, what’s happening there in the heart region? Just tune into that right now, because the body is so alive and energized and awake from those breath waves. Now tune into the heart region. Is it awake? Is it alive? Is it supple? Is it open? is it locked down, armored? Is it unfindable? What’s going on in the heart region, and whatever is going on, that’s okay. Just start to feel it, allow the awareness of the heart area to arise in the limitless wide awake openness of the mind.
We really feel the heart region, feel the emotions there, and whatever it feels like there, begin to feel as if you’re breathing into the heart through a hole in the front of your chest, and breathing out of the heart through that same aperture. As the breath enters the heart space it brightens it up, clearer, brighter, more light, more energy in a very pleasant way, and as you breathe out, all the difficulties and sorrows and weights of the heart start to melt away into that out-breath. The heart becomes lighter, and more open, lighter and more at ease. Feel how the breath is transforming the heart, the breath is transforming the center, opening it up, bringing a sense of ease and suppleness to this region.
Give it time. It will take a little while to get this. Just find some space, find some spaciousness, find some gentleness there. The heart can be almost infinitely gentle, so let’s approach our heart with tremendous subtlety, tremendous sensitivity, achingly sensitive gentleness. Breathing in through the chest, breathing out through the chest, into the heart center. Letting the heart center melt like wax, melt like butter, become tremendously more liquid, and released, and at ease, and open.
Beginning to notice, just as we did with the breath itself, the energy behind this opening of the heart center. The heart center itself, with all its feelings, is like the outer expression, but there’s an inner expression. There’s an energy there which you can begin to notice as the breath goes in and out of the heart center. We’re not trying to force anything here. We’re not trying to pry it open or push. This is pure gentleness, just allowing and allowing and allowing with openness and clarity and ease and kindness.
Good. Now, feeling the energy in the body, feeling that pleasant, wide open gentleness of the heart center. With tremendous skill and sensitivity and kindness, allow awareness to notice the brow center, the third eye center. Breathe in through the third eye center and breathe out through the third eye center. Feel the breath coming and going from just slightly above, in between your eyebrows. Immediately bringing a sense of much more wakefulness and clarity to experience. Feeling the energy going in and out of the third eye. You can even feel it coming up on the out-breath that moves up from the belly, through the heart center, out the third eye. The in-breath comes in through the third eye, into the heart center down into the belly. Notice the energy in the body is quite a bit larger now. The heart is relaxed and kind and easy and open.
The mind is getting even brighter, even more awake, and the ability to be subtle, sensitive, gentle, grows larger and larger. In-breath coming in through the third eye, lighting up the heart center, going into the belly, filling with energy. The out-breath coming up from the belly, through the heart, relaxing, opening the heart, and out through the third eye. The mind just blows out through the third eye and dissolves into the space in front of you. All thoughts, all concepts, all confabulations of the mind blow out the hole, and the third eye into the space in front, and simply dissolve into the sky of awareness, leaving no remainder. The mind, simply dissolving into space on each out-breath, leaving nothing but wakeful space, wide awake openness.
Very good. Now we can stay with this. You can keep doing it, or just let yourself now
let go of all the visualization stuff, and simply sit as wide awake, wide openness, with nothing to do at all, but just be wakeful space. You can’t make wakeful space happen, it’s always been there. But, we can just sit with it, be it.
The way to lose it, the way out of it, is to try to do something. Then you’ll just collapse back into some kind of non-space. So, if you collapse back, then simply let go of any doing of any kind, and come back to the wide awake, wide openness, which is always already.
All our meditation exercise until now is to help the mind release its grip so that we can just rest now as wide awake quiet openness without gripping onto anything or putting ourselves in a box or trying to figure something out or trying to do something, we’re just letting go of all that and sitting as wide awakeness itself. Wide openness itself, which has nothing to do. It already is what it is.
Notice that this wide open wide awakeness doesn’t need to change anything, doesn’t need to do anything, doesn’t need to be different somehow. It doesn’t need to be better, doesn’t need to struggle, doesn’t need to strive. It already is wide awake and wide open, and it just rests as that. There’s no need for any tension at all, very relaxed, at ease, not striving or trying, utterly released. The belly is really soft, open and unguarded. Through work and striving and defensiveness, and trying to stay protected, and armoring up, our belly can get really stiff and tight. But here, the belly is utterly soft, utterly open, utterly undefended, unguarded. Supple, at ease. Feel that undefended softness of the open belly.
Same thing in the heart. The heart is wide open, undefended, disarmored, tremendously sensitive, open to everyone and everything. It’s not just the front of the heart, it’s the back, the upper back, behind is wide open, is relaxed, is released, is undefended, is letting go, is at ease, at peace, at rest.
Any time our mind begins to put ourselves in some kind of box, we just let go. Come back to wide awake wide openness. It’s not an idea. As soon as it’s an idea, that’s a box, so we just let go of the box. If you’re trying to do it right, that’s just a box, and we just relax and release and let go of the box. Trying to make anything happen, trying to be different, trying to do it right, trying to figure it out, trying to be good at it, trying to judge yourself as being bad at it. All of these are just things to drop, as we return to natural ease, natural openness, natural wide awakeness.
As soon as you’re doing anything, just drop it. As soon as you’re trying to change anything, just drop it. As soon as you’re trying to be somebody different, just drop that. As soon as you want experience, whatever you’re experiencing, to be different than what it is, just drop that. Every time you try to figure it out, just drop it. Trying to do it right, just drop it. Judging what’s going on, just drop it.
Wishing you were a different person, a better person, a more beautiful person, this person or that person, just drop it. Everything would be so much better if life had done this other thing differently or if you had done something this or that way, just drop it. Come back to the wide open, wide awakeness that isn’t even located anywhere, that doesn’t have a ground, you can’t find the bottom of it, you can’t find the boundary of it, you can never determine the beginning of it. The wide awakeness that is already completely aware of itself in and of itself. It was already utterly and forever complete.
Feel the energy of that wide awake, wide openness. How the energy gives birth to your mind and your body and your feelings and your thoughts, and gives birth to the world around you in every moment. Feel the connection with all the people in here and feel they’re connecting back with you. Let everyone in here feel your kindness and openness and wide awakeness, and feel they are beaming back at you. Then spread that even further out to everyone everywhere, and feel everyone everywhere beaming back their wide awake, wide open, wide sensitivity, and clarity, and beauty, and nobility and enoughness, spontaneity, and playfulness.
Very good. Just tuning in with wide awake, wide openness, to exactly how that feels.
That’s the end of the meditation there, for now, wide awake, wide aware, that nothing as
actually ending, nothing is actually changing.
Q&A
Michael: Any reports or questions, raise your hand. Anything you want to say about anything, anything coming up, or actual questions. Otherwise, just rest in wide awake, wide openness.
Questionner 1: Hi Michael. I have a question. Is this meditation the same as dropping the ball? Also known as do nothing? A.k.a. Shikantaza, because it feels slightly different.
Michael: The very end of it was, the last quarter of it. We did some breath work and visualization to kind of prepare us, to have that be a little more stable, a little more awake, a little easier, but the last bit was, especially when I was saying, drop that drop that drop.
Questioner 1: Another terminology question. The way you describe going to wakeful space, is that the same thing as prajna wisdom?
Michael: Wakeful space, or wide awake, wide openness, is how I’m choosing to talk about emptiness, but emptiness is kind of a difficult Buddhist concept. Whereas wide awake, wide openness is really easy to connect to. In standard theory, we would say that the definition of prajna wisdom is emptiness, so here prajna wisdom is being expressed as wide awake, wide openness.
Questioner 1: So, is it also the same thing as thoughtless space?
Michael: Not necessarily. Thoughts can be wide awake, wide open.
Questioner 1: Thank you.
Michael: Just for the record, I don’t normally put hard equal signs between any of the things you just said, so we’ll put a wavy equal sign, or not. It’s not just the same as, we can talk about subtle differences, okay? Thanks, what else?
What happened, how are you? What do you want to talk about?
Questioner 2: Thanks Michael. As usual, it’s awesome. Thanks everyone for being here, too. The energy was awesome in the room. Hopefully, for the YouTube people, the energy came through the video, so, always looking out for you YouTube people! I had a report which was, the visualization of my heart space, which was surprising because I often fool myself. One of the ways I fooled myself is by thinking I’m very connected with my heart center and my emotions because I’m feeling things that are very intense.
And they’re maybe external, whatever, I won’t speculate about that. In this case, when I checked in, I had this very distinct visualization of a little cage around my heart, and I didn’t know it was there. No question, just my report was that it was cool when you said it melted. It was almost like my mind was probing, how do I get in this cage, how do I break this cage open, how do I smash this cage open, because I want to free my heart so I can be open and melt. Then it just melted like wax, the whole thing melted so it’s really really cool.
Michael: Very good. What else is happening out there in this vast sea of meditators?
Questioner 3: I was just wondering when you’re trying to drop the ball.
Michael: It’s already wrong if you’re trying to do it.
Questioner 3: Sorry, during that last quarter, I tended to notice because I kept my eyes open, in order not to doze off. I tend to notice a lot of weird visual patterns. Is that an active thing, so I should drop it, or is it just a passive thing?
Michael: Only you can know, but if you keep going oh, oh, oh!–Just let it be there, don’t go after it like that. Especially if your eyes are open, don’t fixate. Because if your eyes are fixated, then your retinal cells are gonna just stop being able to work right, and your vision will get weird. So it’s like saying a stomach ache is some kind of a spiritual experience or something. It’s just a weird thing that happens to your eyes if they get too still, so let your so make sure you’re allowing yourself to blink. Your eyes can move around–you’re not rigidly fixating.
Questioner 3: Thank you.
Michael: That’s not to say other weird shit can’t happen for other reasons, but no matter what, we’re not really climbing onto that either. Anything that is glommed onto is de-glommed. Very good. That’s the next round of the podcast.
Questioner 4: Thank you. My question is, I was with you with the awake space, and then when we moved into the dropping the ball section there was this sense that one of the things I could drop was like the creation of any space. I could somehow become like 2D or like zero D instead of having like a 3D realm in my mind and then that was really nice, but then you kept on talking about the awake space, and I wanted to not make it 3D. Does it mean 3D when you say space?
Michael: It means the awake space that’s already there. You’re not making it anything. You’re not trying to make it bigger or make it 3D. If it’s zero D then that’s what’s there, if it’s 3D, if it’s 7D, if it’s 11D, that’s what’s there. We’re not making anything happen. There can be a sense that we feel like we need to expand space on purpose, or expand awareness. Don’t do any of that, just let it be what it is like. Whatever it means when I say wide openness, whatever’s there, that’s what we do. We don’t have to make it into something. Over time, the dimensionality of it–is imaginary anyway–so the wide openness doesn’t necessarily mean it’s already all the way wide open. Any seeming non-wide openness in that is a box we’re putting ourselves in; so just drop it, okay?
Questioner 4: I kept noticing contractions in my body that I recognize as habitual, they’re familiar to me, and I was torn between allowing my attention to go to those places, to gently see what wants to happen there, see if something wants to release. It’s focusing and feeling around, versus not letting my attention be pulled there.
Micheal: It just depends on which meditation you’re doing, or which part of the meditation we’re in. There’s not one right answer. Both of those things are great to do. In the last quarter of this meditation we would be doing more the B option there, just don’t really get involved with it, just let it be how it is. But in earlier parts, or even in other meditations at other times, go in. Going in there and checking it out, feeling it, seeing what it wants to do, what it needs, etc., etc., is a great practice. So it’s just a matter of what we’re up to at any given moment.
Questioner 4: Okay, cool thank you.
Michael: I think what can happen really often is that there’s a sense that there’s one right way to meditate, whereas, in fact, there are hundreds of interesting, cool ways to meditate. Each one of them can be appropriate or inappropriate, depending on what we’re up to. Thank you.
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